I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
