Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
