Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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