Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
