Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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