If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
