Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
