I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
