I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
