if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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