got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
