Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hippo gnu deer
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
