I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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