I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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