Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
