I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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