At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
