His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize