last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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