i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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