i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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