don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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