Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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