You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
