Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
