She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
