One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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