I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
