How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
