i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
