i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
