ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize