It's chlamydia! Thank God!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
