My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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