I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
