dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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