Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
