just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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