I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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