dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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