Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
