i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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