You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
