i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He passed out mid-signature
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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