just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize