awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
