Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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