your thong is hanging out like whoa
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
