He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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