what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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