I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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