4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
