I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
