no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize