Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
