I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
