I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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