I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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